At a very young age, I learned that I needed to distance myself from people who weren’t truly my friends and even from my mother who has a dysfunctional approach to life. Basically, I came to understand the importance of creating boundaries to protect myself. As detached and awful as this might seem to some, it was absolutely essential in order for me to focus my energy and efforts on what was most significant during my childhood all the way through my college years – my education and creating a better life for myself.

So let me share what worked for me, and feel free to use what works and feels comfortable for you at this time. Perhaps you are not ready to have that confrontational conversation to share how you are bothered by someone’s behavior or by the way they are treating you. Communication is a fundamental life skill to have, so getting more comfortable having those difficult conversations will allow you to move further along and become more accomplished in your education, career, and in your relationships.

Here are some of my Golden Rules to Setting Boundaries.
1- Best to steer clear of people who complain and don’t do anything to change a situation, who make excuses for outcomes or blame others, play the victim role, and who are not grateful for what they have in their life or what you have done for them. Its negative energy and exhausting to say the least.

2- Realize that the most difficult part is not accepting responsibility for someone else’s behavior – what a burden that is and it will only hold you back from living your life to your true potential. 

If you give people the opportunity to bring you into their drama or not so healthy approach to life, then that’s what will happen and you’ll lose focus on what’s right and healthy for you. Some people may intentionally or unintentionally try to sabotage your efforts, so be mindful of others’ intentions. There’s a difference between being empathetic and listening to a friend or family member’s concern compared to always listening to complaints and what’s always going wrong.

Below are few Conversational Scripts that are Effective and will work to get you out of an uncomfortable situation.
Less Confrontational Approach
A- “I’m going to excuse myself now, I see someone I need to speak (connect) with. Hope it all works out with your situation.”

B- “I hate to interrupt, but I really need to get going (because I have an appointment or I have to get to class/get back to a project or I need to leave for a family event.) (Perhaps you may want to consider speaking with the teacher/professor directly about your concern to see what your options are for that situation. Hope it all works out.”) Or (“Perhaps you may want to consider exploring your options with someone who would be better able to help you and has more expertise on that topic such as a school social worker or therapist or counselor. Hope it all works out with your situation.”)

C- “I’m going to excuse myself now, I see someone I need to connect with. Hope it all works out with your situation.”

Bold Approach/Takes Practice/When Someone Really Isn’t Getting It.
A- “I really can’t continue to have this (same) conversation. I’m going to hang up now. (Or I’m going to excuse myself now).”

B- “I’m sorry, but not going to listen to you complain all the time when you choose to do nothing about your situation. I find this to be very frustrating (especially since I really care about you and only want the best for you). I really can’t help you.”

3- Acknowledge how you feel inside and how you react to this person. So for example, if your stomach is turning upside down, you’re getting angry, frustrated or annoyed, and/or you notice yourself reacting in a not so nice way, then you probably have reached your limit with this person at that moment.

4- Be honest and communicate to the other person what is bothering you. Let them know what your expectations are in terms of how you want to be treated as a person or what you are willing and not willing to do for this person. It may be necessary to get clear and define what kind of friendship or relationship you have or will have with this person based on past interactions. Sometimes people have unreasonable expectations and we need to set them straight.

“I have to be honest with you and let you know that (I was really bothered when…) or (I really didn’t appreciate it when…) I’m not really sure where this is coming from, but I wanted to talk to you about this because (your friendship does mean a lot to me) or (I respect you as a coworker/professional and thought we had a good rapport). Would you be able to help me understand? Did I do something to offend or bother you? I hope you realize that you can share this with me, if this is the case so we can work through this.”

5- Having these difficult conversations at the appropriate time will actually allow you to get to a better place and may even make the relationship stronger. Hopefully the other person is receptive to hearing your feedback and having the discussion. As a result of the conversation, you will feel more connected to your true self, learn how to better evaluate your intuition, your stress level will decrease, and finally you will feel lighter and more liberated in several ways – emotionally, mentally, and physically.

Finally, most importantly accept responsibility and recognize if somehow you may have contributed to the tension between you and another.  With that in mind, it may be appropriate to apologize for your own behavior and speak to how you will handle a situation better going forward.

In other words, we want to avoid being that person who complains and doesn’t do anything to change a situation, who makes excuses for outcomes or blame others, plays the victim role, and who are not grateful for what they have in their life or what others have done for them.

Therefore, step up and take the mature adult like approach and see how much more respect and happiness you see in your life as a result.

Would love to hear what particular boundary you decided to set for yourself that has worked best for you in the past!