As much as I’m a very honest straight forward tell-it-like-it-is type of person, truth be told, I sometimes struggle with having those difficult confrontational conversations. Having to tell others “no” or how you will not spend time with them because you don’t agree with the decisions they make or their lifestyle or how they complain about everything but do nothing to change the situation, can be stressful and apprehensive.
Perhaps, it may be about how you are insulted or bothered by something a friend or coworker did, and you are not sure where it is coming from or the reason for such behavior. It could very well be nothing that you have done wrong at all, and this person may be angry or jealous of you for some reason that you are not aware of. People act in funny ways sometimes, but you can always tell something is just not right – the behavior and energy coming from that person is just off, which is clearly a sign. Recognizing your feelings during these interactions and figuring out how to work your intuition will benefit you.
Way to Determine what Action to Take, Ask Yourself the Following Questions:
Choice A - How painful or uncomfortable is it for me to allow this to continue on just the way it is? Say you think you can bare being uncomfortable for short timeframe, which leads you choosing to do nothing about the situation and rather you try to let it go.
Choice B - Or would I be better off in the long run to confront what I’m feeling, and have this dreaded difficult conversation? This may allow you some peace of mind from standing up for yourself.
Choice C - Somewhere between Choice A and Choice B, lies another approach. If you anticipate the person may not listen or be receptive to receiving the feedback you intend to provide, then this is another option. Initially, you find a healthy way (i.e. Lots of Yoga, Going for a Run, Talking it through with a Friend(s) and/or Therapist) to make peace with the concern causing you grief. Later, if and when the person reaches out to you, then you can choose to have that conversation at that time.
Typically, what I find is Choice B or Choice C allows me to create space in my life to move past a situation by taking responsibility for what I’m feeling, explaining myself and concerns to the other person, providing expectations to the other person, and just allowing myself to release the internal storm brewing rather than permitting it to continue on. There’s nothing more energy draining and unhealthy than allowing someone who may be toxic to continually take advantage of you, complain to you, or disrespect you.
Keep in mind, that being resistant to face the issue only makes it worst. Know what goal/outcome you are seeking before you have that conversation. To tell someone everything that you dislike or frustrates you about them or a situation will just lead to defensiveness and more conflict. My intentions are never to hurt the other person, but more about protecting myself and dealing with my own concerns or anxiety about what is bothering me. To tell someone that you disagree with the decision and refuse to follow through without a good ethical reason in the case of when your boss is requesting something of you will not go over well at all. I’ve had to address confrontational situations with friends, family, coworkers, my boss, employees, Managers/Directors that I support in my HR role, and boyfriends.
Upside with confrontational situations is your approach gets better with practice. Ask my boss – he can certainly attest to that being true for me, especially in the last 5 – 7 years. Confession – the way I would disagree with a decision would not always be the most appropriate or most professional way, which got me in trouble and spoken to (sometimes reprimanded) and ultimately delayed my next promotion. Once I recognized this, and approached it differently is when everything changed. I’ve since been promoted several times and now teach Employees and Management the lessons I’ve learned to provide insight and develop them further.
Even more so, if it wasn’t for Colleen joining our HR team when she did seven years ago, I may have quit my job. I’ve learned a tremendous amount from Colleen in terms of how to approach work and life situations. Colleen definitely gets the award for being the Biggest Influencer/Mentor in my career! Her support, words of wisdom and encouragement has made a huge impact on me, and I’m so grateful for this coworker relationship and friendship.
With that all being said, go inside yourself and see if you can start to leverage your intuition with dealing with relationships. Allow yourself to release that stormy situation going on inside of you. Let sunshine and rainbows with better days come your way!
What’s your approach with difficult conversations? Are you an A, B, or C type of person?
Another Blog Post to Check out – Setting Boundaries – Being Bold or Less Confrontational
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I’ve actually went with Choice A a few times at work..not the choice I would’ve preferred but just to avoid any confrontation. I’ll slowly learning to go with choice B. I have a long way to go but I’m willing to try. Good read!
Thanks Marcia for reading and sharing your latest approach and what you’re working towards. Keep in mind, it’s also a matter of picking your battles and the balance between that and knowing when to speak up for yourself. At first, it’s not easy when speaking up for yourself or about a situation, but it gets easier with practice. When in doubt of how to approach it, you could run it by a trusted coworker or friend to get another perspective and talk through the approach. I’ve done that myself on many occasions and it has greatly helped me!